Ivy Jokes

In recent days, I have been forwarded/seen a bunch of Ivy Jokes. And they just make me laugh. But since most of my friends here did not have the "joy" of being an Ivy Joke, I figured I would post them here so all my Ivy dork friends can laugh with me.

Ivy League mornings:

Penn: give Bob the Bum a dime, check on transfer papers.
Brown: smoke breakfast, say prayer for no grade system.
Columbia: deep breath of smog, take taxi to class.
Dartmouth: gargle moonshine, chop wood for heating.
Princeton: yawn, feel like a geek, dress the part.
Yale: floss, snort coke, come out of closet.
Harvard: wake up, bathe in glow of undeserved rep.
Cornell: roll over, sober up...cry.


Ivy League Lightbulb Jokes

How many Princeton students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two---one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.
How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eleven---one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.

How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None---Hanover doesn't have electricity.

How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two---One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.

How many Penn students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he gets six credits for it.

How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seventy-six---one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb'sright to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter-protest.

How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None---New Haven looks better in the dark.

How many Harvard students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One---he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.


Marketing The Ivies

It was clear that one day the Ivy League would grow desperate. The year was 2020, the average tuition (per year) for each institution was $84,242 and they just weren't getting enough applicants. So they decided, in a rash, unprecendented move, to take out advertising in the middle of Sesame Street episodes, to differentiate themselves from their competitors. Read on for their masterful slogans...

BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring?Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are yousick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!!


COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are youplanning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year?COME TO COLUMBIA!!!


HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do younever want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Doyou hate that, too? COME TO HARVARD!!!


PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is?Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know?How many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!


PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot? How about four more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!!

CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL -- The Big Red Tape!!!


YALE: Hey kids! Do you want to get shot? COME TO YALE!!!


DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what's your feeling on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!